Freedom's Paradox
by RowArk
Summary: This story picks up where "Beast's Obsession" ends, and deals with the aftermath of that episode. This story is emotionally heavy, and it's turning out even darker than I initially planned. Please just know 2 things: 1: I will never kill off Olivia and 2: even after the darkest night, the sun will always rise. I will also use trigger warnings for the really heavy stuff!
1. Chapter 1

**FREEDOM'S PARADOX**

**CHAPTER 1**

In an instant, it was over. As the bullet shot through the Beast's skull, the torturous game of cat and mouse that had tormented Olivia Benson's life and mind for nine months screeched to a sudden halt. Olivia didn't dare to breathe as Lewis's now lifeless body slumped over the table in front of her, his blood splattered all over her face. Amelia's scream sounded miles away.

A strange sensation poured over her – no quite relief, but more so the unexpected absence of fear, replaced by numbness, shock. And there was something else she couldn't quite put her finger on: a sick, strange sensation welling up in the pit of her stomach. Guilt? Regret? She couldn't tell.

Murphy and Amaro ran up the stairs, tailed closely by Fin and Rollins. Though their mouths were moving, Olivia couldn't make out what they were saying. She was in a vacuum, and while her other senses were failing her, she became hyperaware of the distinct, coppery taste of Lewis's blood in her mouth.

Amaro was beside her now, still speaking, just noise. Olivia's brain still couldn't process the words. She cringed when he put his hand on her arm. The feeling was immediately overwhelming and unbearable. For all that her auditory senses seemed diminished, her tactile sense was heightened exponentially, and Amaro's touch was making her skin crawl.

"Don't touch me!" she snapped. Momentarily forgetting the duct tape still holding her legs to the table, she tried to lurch away from his hand, causing her to lose her balance and fall backwards. Amaro caught her, and now his arms suddenly felt safe to her. She relaxed slightly, and let him hold her, and Murphy worked on freeing her from her restraints.

Once she was free, Amaro helped her back up. Drawing in a shaky breath, Olivia turned her attention to Amelia, whom Rollins was quickly untying. When the little girl was free, she fell, whimpering, into Rollins' arms. She didn't really cry, just squeezed her eyes shut and clung tightly to Rollins.

Olivia watched as the EMTs were removing Lewis's body from the table before her, and she suddenly became aware of her surroundings again, including Amaro's hands on her shoulders. She shook herself loose from his grasp, and took a couple steps back. She couldn't bring herself to speak again, and she could see that everyone was staring at her now. And there it was again, that same feeling she had nine months ago. Standing in a room, surrounded by her friends, she felt completely alone.

_I am an agent of change._

Lewis's words resonated in her brain, and she knew, in that moment, he was right. He was the catalyst of her life, propelling her in a direction that she never intended to go. Now here she was, in a place she never meant to be, with no clear path out.


	2. Chapter 2 (tw: suicidal thoughts)

**CHAPTER 2**

It was Fin who finally broke the silence. "Liv, it's ok, let's get you out of here."

Olivia nodded. The EMTs had already removed Lewis's body, and Rollins was helping Amelia down the stairs and out of the grainery, to where the ambulance was waiting outside. Olivia could always find a little comfort in Fin's voice. After all these years, he was the one constant left in her life. Elliot, Munch, Cragen, and now Brian, they were all gone. At least she could still count on Fin to look at her and see her as she always was, and not just the broken shell of her former self. He was the only one left who reminded her of a time where she saw herself in that same light.

Olivia surveyed the room one last time, and Fin noticed when her gaze stopped on the pool of blood on the tabletop before her. Walking over to her, he put his arm around her shoulders and led her away from the table, toward the stairs. He leaned in close to her and whispered, "it's ok, Liv. You did what you had to do."

Olivia stopped abruptly and turned to face him. "I didn't," she shook her head. A sudden realization flooded over her, as she heard Lewis's words again in her mind:

_Even if you tell people that I shot myself, they're not gonna believe you now._

"He shot himself,"

_They're gonna assume that you shot me, in cold blood, execution style._

"He wanted everyone to think I shot him…"

_You know what's ironic about your little confession…._

Those words repeated over and over, and she knew her public confession was a mistake. No one was ever going to believe her now.

Olivia sat in the back of the ambulance, wrapped in a prickly grey emergency blanket, waiting to be cleared to leave by the EMTs. She had changed into an NYPD sweatshirt and pants in the ambulance, so that her clothes could be taken into evidence.

Rollins had ridden with Amelia to Mercy General in the first ambulance. Fin and Amaro had tried to convince Olivia to go as well, despite her insistence that the only physical assault she had endured was a slap across the face. She wondered if they thought she was lying, or omitting something. She wondered if they believed her that Lewis shot himself. She wondered if anyone would ever be able to believe anything she said, again.

Lt. Murphy came and sat beside Olivia in the ambulance, and took her statement.

"So, you got the text from Lewis, you came here alone and her took your weapon, phone and radio. He took you up to the grainery, and tied you to the table. He attempted to rape you, but instead forced you to engage in a game of Russian Roulette, at gunpoint instead, all before shooting himself in the head?" Murphy reiterated. "Have I left anything out?"

Olivia stared straight ahead.

_Just that he called me out, again, on everything._

_On the nightmares._

_On the flashbacks._

_On the PTSD._

_On Brian._

_Just that he made me play right into his game._

_Just that he made me destroy my credibility, all for nothing._

_Just that he reopened old wounds, and created brand new ones, too._

_Just that he got to me. Again. Maybe even worse than before._

"Olivia?"

She shook her head. "No, that's everything."

_Except for that if his end game was to leave me completely and utterly shattered, then I think he may have succeeded. I think he won, again._

Murphy closed his notebook. "Ok, well, then I just need to know one more thing: What the hell were you thinking?"

Olivia turned and stared at Murphy, dumbfounded.

"Skipping out on the protective detail? Coming out here alone? What were you expecting to accomplish?" the sheer irritation in his voice was blatantly obvious, and Olivia couldn't believe that he would talk to her like this, after everything she had just been through.

"He had Amelia, he was going to hurt her," Olivia said, through gritted teeth, "what was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to let us handle it," Murphy snapped, letting a little more anger through than he had intended. He lowered his voice a little, and said, matter-of-factly, "he was never going to harm that little girl, I told you that. He wanted you. You walked right into his trap, and put yourself in immediate danger. Was it worth it?"

"So, you're saying this is my fault?" Olivia whispered.

Before Murphy could say any more, Amaro walked up to them. "The EMTs say she's good to go. I'm gonna take her home," he said to Murphy. "Come on Liv," he turned to her, "let's get you out of here."

Olivia let Amaro help her down from the ambulance. Now, like countless occasions before, she looked at him and wished he was Elliot instead.

In spite of Amaro's objections ,Olivia insisted that was fine to go back to her apartment alone that night. "Lewis is dead. I don't need a babysitter."

Amaro nodded, but handed her his phone, "here, I don't want you here alone with no phone, and yours got taken into evidence. I'll be at the station all night, call me there if you need me."

"Thanks, Nick," she forced a small smile, before entering her apartment and bolting the door behind her.

Olivia walked through her apartment, flipping on every light, in every room, along the way. Ever since Brian moved out, the apartment seemed so big, with so many dark corners, so many places to hide. She tried not to let those thoughts into her mind. Once the floodgates opened, sometimes it was nearly impossible to close them again.

Olivia wrapped herself up in a warm blanket, curled up on the couch and turned on the TV, to try to block out reality for a few minutes.

_We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news: Escaped felon William Lewis's 2 day crime binge that left at least 6 dead and 2 injured, has ended tonight with his death in a bloody shoot out with NYPD sergeant Olivia Benson. Lewis's young hostage was taken to hospital with minor injuries. Her older sister is also in hospital recovering from extensive injuries at the hands of William Lewis. Sergeant Benson is said to be uninjured. _

Olivia clicked off the TV. _6 dead._ She couldn't even process the fact that the news anchor had called what happened a "bloody shootout", or the fact that she seemed to imply that Olivia was the shooter. Olivia could only think about the 6 dead people. Olivia thought about what Murphy had said to her the day before, _you should have killed him when you had the chance._

She couldn't stop herself from dwelling on the idea that if she _had_ killed him 9 months ago, 6 people would still be alive. Two young girls would still have their innocence… and their mother. Maybe no one would blame her for it, but she couldn't help but blame herself.

Olivia got up and grabbed her sleeping pills from the cupboard. She hadn't needed to use them in months, but right now, she was glad she held on to the bottle. For a moment, she considered chasing the rest of the bottle of pills, with a bottle of wine.

_Death is not something to be afraid of, Olivia._

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook the idea from her mind. She took one pill, followed by a glass of water, crawled into her bed, leaving the lights on, and attempted to shut out the world, until tomorrow morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

The warm morning sun on her face awoke Olivia from a restless, dreamless sleep. She blinked a few times to adjust her eyes, and rolled over, only to feel a sharp pain shoot through her left cheek and jaw, and the memories of Lewis's slap to her face, and the horrors of the night before came pouring back.

Still wearing the NYPD sweat suit from the night before, Olivia rolled herself out of bed, and walked into her bathroom. She grimaced when she saw her reflection in the mirror. A large yellowish-purple bruise had already begun to form over her left cheek, but her skin was otherwise abnormally pale, save for the dark circles under her eyes. Despite her appearance, and the memories of last night playing over in her mind, emotionally, she felt numb.

Stripping off the sweat suit and turning on the shower as hot as she could physically stand, she got in and just let the near-scalding water rain down on her, as if she could wash off everything that had happened. Absently running her hands over her chest, her fingertips grazed the small, rough scars of the cigarette burns from that first night with Lewis: the tiny red reminders that told her no amount of therapy could really undo the all damage that had been done. Though she was able to keep them hidden, the scars – both physical and emotional – were permanent.

With that realization, the numbness receded, opening the doors for a flood of painful emotions: anger, regret, guilt, and an overwhelming sadness like nothing she'd ever felt before. She feel to her knees, wrapped her arms around herself, and sobbed, for what felt like hours, until the steaming water pounding down on her back turned ice cold.

The cold shocked her back into the present moment, and she stood, shaking, and turned off the water. Her skin was red and a little tender as she slipped into her bathrobe, but she barely noticed. She made the conscious decision to shift her focus from her pain, to figuring out how she was going to deal with the aftermath of everything else that had happened in the last two days.

She went into her living room and picked up Nick's iPhone from the coffee table where she's left it the night before. Smiling up at her from the lock screen was the bright-eyed little Zara. Olivia felt a small pang of a different kind of sadness as she looked down at Zara's sweet, innocent face. This sadness was more of a dull longing, filled with "what ifs?" of things she wished she hadn't missed out on in life, like being a mother.

Shaking the feeling off, she dialed Nick's extension at the station. She wondered if he had really stayed there all night, and sure enough, she was greeted by his voice on the other end of the line: "Detective Amaro, Special Victims"

"…hey," Olivia's voice cracked into the phone.

"Liv!" Nick sounded relieved to hear her voice, "hi, hey, how are – are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm-I'm ok. What's happening down there? Is IAB there? Have you heard anything about Amelia?"

Nick sighed audibly before speaking. "Yeah, Amanda stayed with her until the hospital released her. Physically… she's fine. They haven't been able to locate any family for her to stay with yet, so she's with Children's Services for now."

"Physically, she's fine… what about _not_ physically?"

There was a pause, and then he said, "Liv, she's traumatized. She hasn't cried. She hasn't even spoken, at all. Her sister is still so messed up, too, these poor girls… They called in a specialized child psychologist to see Amelia today."

Olivia closed her eyes as she silently processed this information.

_She's traumatized._

_She's an orphan now._

_I should have killed Lewis when I had the chance._

"Liv?"

"What about IAB?"

"They're here now," Nick confirmed, "they're questioning everyone."

Olivia wasn't surprised at how quickly IAB had come in. After her public confession, she knew Tucker would be out for her blood. She had lied directly to his face, as well as the rest of her squad, the Grand Jury, and on the stand. This was not going to go away easily.

"Have you talked to them yet?"

"No, not yet. Fin's in there with Tucker now."

"Just Tucker? Is Brian there?" Olivia asked, tentatively. She hadn't talked to him since he moved out. He wanted to remain friends, and she wanted a clean break. She exhaled a sigh of relief when Nick said Brian wasn't there. She hoped he didn't know yet, she hoped he was undercover and not worried about her. She didn't want to see him, and fall back into the familiar routine of needing him to make her feel better. She needed to be strong and face this head on, by herself.

Olivia drew in a deep breath, working up her nerve. She knew biding her time and waiting for IAB to come to her was not going to help her case in any way. "I'm gonna come in, I want to get this over with."

"Liv, that's not-"

"No, I need to," she cut him off, "I need to deal with this now. I didn't shoot him."

"I believe you Liv," he reassured her, "we all do."

"You can't speak for everyone, Nick. But thank you."

Once the call was over, Olivia headed back into her bedroom to change, and mentally prepare herself to head into the station.


End file.
